My dad
This turned into a deep post even though that wasn't my intention but my words got the best of me. I meant to just say a few words about the song Numb, but it turned into a "confession" of some sort.
If you're not in the mood to read about something rather sad, don't go down.
It's about my life, me, my dad.
I'd completely say this song can be dedicated to my dad. The song Perfect by Simple Plan of course, always hurts when I hear it, but this is more of the situation.
I'm not afraid of him anymore, I'm not a little kid anymore and he knows that. Ever since I stood up for myself with a few simple words that had a lot of meaning, he's been calm with everything else.
I don't expect it too last too long, but at least I know my fear is gone.
He'll just have to deal with the fact I will never be like him and I would not be proud if I tried to be.
I have some of his qualities that come in handy from time to time, but when I over-do-it, I feel awful because I know those people feel threatened or endangered just as much as I did when dad would look at me when he's angry. A few qualities are good, if taken to the right path.
This doesn't mean I'm changing my views on life because I've realized this. Just because I'm not scared of him anymore, doesn't mean I lost my contempt for life and everything I have to do in it.
He still has the same (bad) affect on me mentally and emotionally, but he'll never touch me again.
His father (my grandfather) is a sick ugly man and he was worse to my dad which I understand, but you should learn from that and know how your child would feel, to always have someone who's disappointed in you, is never happy with what you did, not the small or big things, calling me worthless, pathetic, incapable of anything,idiot,moron, without a brain over and over.
He's BETTER than my grandfather but at things that weren't important to me.
My dad has never given me rules, never told me when to come home and when to go out, how much money to spend, when to spend it and on what, I was never grounded, I always had access to Internet and everything I've wanted in the house, all the freedom I wanted.
My mom lived with us until I was 10 years old, and till she has my childhood was filled with their fights, BAD fights that I still have screen-shots of in my head, things a 5-10 year old should not see her father doing.
I was also always in the middle and at a very early age, I lost respect for my father.
I did not feel the need to tell him anything, share anything, at everything I would say he wouldn't care, he just starred at his computer. I felt left out as a kid by him and when mom left, he went nuts.
I'm guessing Now, that he had gone into a deep shit ass depression that was taken out on me for two years.
I was 11 but I didn't want to come back home. I begged my friends to stay late with me at school because I didn't want to come back home. Day in and day out, I would walk back home with a knot in my chest just knowing what's going to happen. Off the front door to the end of the night.
He either talked and talked and talked and talked, trashed my mom for hours every day, every night and if i didn't know what to say, he'd get angry with me how I am a stupid idiot who has no opinion, how I'm making a fool out of him because he's just talks and I listen. I was 11-12, what did you expect from me?!
Or, he would as I said hit me.
Ever since mom left it was expected of me to open up, it's just us two now, we have to talk, communicate as a family, as two people living together, share. I never told him anything, that's true. I hid things from him, that's also true. I never wanted him to find out anything about my life.
I knew his opinions, I knew his judgments and I know the way he takes them out on someone, I didn't want that to happen along with everything else I was going thru.
In the two years of him being in a depression, everything was lost. I had created such a wall between him and I that nothing could break it.
I felt as though he didn't deserve to know anything. With everything in life and everyone, trust and respect is something you earn even as a parent. I didn't want to tell him anything, I didn't feel the need for him to know. It had created a lot of problems, he knew I hid things and that got on his nerves.
Everyone always tells me that what hurts me is that he hit me, no, that's not the thing. I don't look back on that, I remember it but It doesn't have much significance in my mind. What hurts me is the words that were told during the hitting and walking around the house.
My brain doesn't want me to think about this and it's just blocking out my ability to look back and remember more details. It shifts me back to reality so I'm sorry.
I'm sick of it anymore. Things have gotten a lot better thou, but there's still a huge hole between us that will never be filled, 'cause I'm getting older and older.
Nothing's gonna change the things that he said and nothing's going to make it right again.
No amount of sorry's, or gifts, or anything. There isn't a person in this world that could buy my affection.
I accepted him to be who he is but the scars he gave me and self-esteem he ruined about my life, what I'm capable of doing will never be healed.
I want to end my life the moment I write this, It might not seem so 'cause I don't want everyone to know.
I am alive for other people but not for myself.
I don't give a shit about my life or what I do. I lost the one person that made me feel worth anything. But If I'm going to keep on, it'll be just for barely passing and that's it.
Now, I don't care.
If you're not in the mood to read about something rather sad, don't go down.
It's about my life, me, my dad.
I'd completely say this song can be dedicated to my dad. The song Perfect by Simple Plan of course, always hurts when I hear it, but this is more of the situation.
I'm not afraid of him anymore, I'm not a little kid anymore and he knows that. Ever since I stood up for myself with a few simple words that had a lot of meaning, he's been calm with everything else.
I don't expect it too last too long, but at least I know my fear is gone.
He'll just have to deal with the fact I will never be like him and I would not be proud if I tried to be.
I have some of his qualities that come in handy from time to time, but when I over-do-it, I feel awful because I know those people feel threatened or endangered just as much as I did when dad would look at me when he's angry. A few qualities are good, if taken to the right path.
This doesn't mean I'm changing my views on life because I've realized this. Just because I'm not scared of him anymore, doesn't mean I lost my contempt for life and everything I have to do in it.
He still has the same (bad) affect on me mentally and emotionally, but he'll never touch me again.
His father (my grandfather) is a sick ugly man and he was worse to my dad which I understand, but you should learn from that and know how your child would feel, to always have someone who's disappointed in you, is never happy with what you did, not the small or big things, calling me worthless, pathetic, incapable of anything,idiot,moron, without a brain over and over.
He's BETTER than my grandfather but at things that weren't important to me.
My dad has never given me rules, never told me when to come home and when to go out, how much money to spend, when to spend it and on what, I was never grounded, I always had access to Internet and everything I've wanted in the house, all the freedom I wanted.
My mom lived with us until I was 10 years old, and till she has my childhood was filled with their fights, BAD fights that I still have screen-shots of in my head, things a 5-10 year old should not see her father doing.
I was also always in the middle and at a very early age, I lost respect for my father.
I did not feel the need to tell him anything, share anything, at everything I would say he wouldn't care, he just starred at his computer. I felt left out as a kid by him and when mom left, he went nuts.
I'm guessing Now, that he had gone into a deep shit ass depression that was taken out on me for two years.
I was 11 but I didn't want to come back home. I begged my friends to stay late with me at school because I didn't want to come back home. Day in and day out, I would walk back home with a knot in my chest just knowing what's going to happen. Off the front door to the end of the night.
He either talked and talked and talked and talked, trashed my mom for hours every day, every night and if i didn't know what to say, he'd get angry with me how I am a stupid idiot who has no opinion, how I'm making a fool out of him because he's just talks and I listen. I was 11-12, what did you expect from me?!
Or, he would as I said hit me.
Ever since mom left it was expected of me to open up, it's just us two now, we have to talk, communicate as a family, as two people living together, share. I never told him anything, that's true. I hid things from him, that's also true. I never wanted him to find out anything about my life.
I knew his opinions, I knew his judgments and I know the way he takes them out on someone, I didn't want that to happen along with everything else I was going thru.
In the two years of him being in a depression, everything was lost. I had created such a wall between him and I that nothing could break it.
I felt as though he didn't deserve to know anything. With everything in life and everyone, trust and respect is something you earn even as a parent. I didn't want to tell him anything, I didn't feel the need for him to know. It had created a lot of problems, he knew I hid things and that got on his nerves.
Everyone always tells me that what hurts me is that he hit me, no, that's not the thing. I don't look back on that, I remember it but It doesn't have much significance in my mind. What hurts me is the words that were told during the hitting and walking around the house.
My brain doesn't want me to think about this and it's just blocking out my ability to look back and remember more details. It shifts me back to reality so I'm sorry.
I'm sick of it anymore. Things have gotten a lot better thou, but there's still a huge hole between us that will never be filled, 'cause I'm getting older and older.
Nothing's gonna change the things that he said and nothing's going to make it right again.
No amount of sorry's, or gifts, or anything. There isn't a person in this world that could buy my affection.
I accepted him to be who he is but the scars he gave me and self-esteem he ruined about my life, what I'm capable of doing will never be healed.
I want to end my life the moment I write this, It might not seem so 'cause I don't want everyone to know.
I am alive for other people but not for myself.
I don't give a shit about my life or what I do. I lost the one person that made me feel worth anything. But If I'm going to keep on, it'll be just for barely passing and that's it.
Now, I don't care.
Comments
Post a Comment