Day 11; Things you want to say to 3 people.

Okay, this is kind of hard, I'm not even sure why. Deciding to which people I want to talk about is difficult. I have Poroner on my mind, Kevin maybe and.... Do I need to point out names? It'd be weird to just type it out without anyone knowing for who it is, though. I don't know! This is hard for me! Alright... Let's start.

I have no idea how many times I have mentioned this, but it's something I cannot get over or will ever until he realizes it truly. I am too much of a coward to show this to him personally, so he'll only read this if he get's on my blog on his own, unless someone shows him. I am talking about Poroner. You guys have no idea how much that guy means to me. I truly know how annoying it is to spam it around and I really try not to, this is like the 3rd time I write it in the two years I have this blog, but I really cannot wrap it around my mind.

1.

 I am so thankful to him (he'd probably react like, dude, chill, I get it). This is a guy that opened a freaking new door for me in life, literally. I fell in love with what he represented, how strong, brave, opinioned but logical he was, honest and a leader for things he believed in, protective over things he loved. Through time, he had me wrapped around his finger, I hope he realizes that. I started looking up to him, he could not do anything wrong in my opinion. Everything he did, said or shut his mouth up for something had to have been for a reason and I didn't even need to ask to agree with him. That's how I felt. Losing him was hard to handle but even I took that with the way he thought was best and most mature. HE was in my head while everything was going on, what'd he think, how he'd feel, what he'd think of what I did, his opinion was so very important to me. Every time we got in contact again after a long while, I was so scared to make him mad or angry, it's something I could not take. I'd feel bad right away, even start crying and just want to say I'm sorry and that he's right and that I just don't wanna argue with him anymore. 

He still has that affect on me. ._. Not THAT much, that was ridiculous. I just realized, Poroner, you became MY leader. That's what happened, I think. Today, I still hate fighting with him or I would hate fighting, we haven't fought at all. But I guess what I'm trying to say is for him to know how much he means to me till this day. He worries me a lot from time to time and scares me. I truly do get worried and anything is bothering him or I have a suspicion something's wrong I google it up and spent an hour getting my facts straight. I love you dude, I don't give a shit (not entirely true) what you think of this, it's how it is! You mean, maybe even too much to me, I'm always there for you. All of my promises I made I am till this day, TRYING MY BEST to keep. I promise. ;) Please realize why it is hard for me to understand some new things that have happened. 

2. 

Why did you freaking leave? I understand we broke up, you and I, damn, have a freaking history together, mostly bad things but who the fuck cares? I care for you Kevs. I can't be with you but I can't be without you. Okay, keep your distance if you need it but at least come back more often. I miss you very often, more than you think. I'm sorry we left things off so rough the last time you said hi but please try and understand. Many people here will tell me I am freaking disturbed for thinking this way of you but who also cares about that? It really doesn't matter anymore, It's you and I. At least let me talk to you once more and if you don't want to anymore, alright, I'll somewhat understand. But I know you still care (I hope). Don't be so stubborn. If you really don't... 

Well... when you start caring again, please know I'm here! I'm not going anywhere nor will my caring for you go anywhere, I promise. I'm not like that. c: 

3. 

Give me another chance to prove myself to you. I know you still care, I just know it. I believe in you. I'm sorry I let my ego get the best of me, you have no idea how much I regret everything I have ever done bad to you. It's all my fault, it was all my fucking fault. I realize that now. You did nothing that deserved so much pain and heartbreak and injustice... I'm sorry, I'm so deeply sorry but, if you don't let me try just one more time I will never be anything more than a sad, alone, echoing sorry in your head. Another person who was in your life and left the same way she got in. I don't want that to happen! I got myself together again, I promise nothing will be as it used to be, it will be 10x better, I just need a chance. I know you're going through stuff that are hard as they are without me putting extra pressure on you and trust me, it is not my intention to make it harder for you, on the contrary. I want to make it easier. You need love, support, someone to push you forward and even if you maybe have that, there's never too much of it and I can give it! I'm not ever going to let you leave, hated me or not. You hold a dear place in my heart and you cannot get out, I promise you that. I know you know all of this, put putting it out so publicly and without any kind of fear, I think it shows something. At least I hope so, I'm sorry if I'm wrong. I love you...