It's just not who I am.

Haha, the ones that used to read my blog and expect my blogposts with joy are probably reading with wide open eyes, considering I write SO MUCH now. It's really not my fault guys. If I had an available laptop and Internet to begin with, I'd have at least 10 blogposts up Today, but I don't. ):
Okay, If you are able to read a lot of text and are in the mood for a pretty sad chapter, read till the end. Others won't like this. I want to talk about something…Get it out on the open, you know? It's easier that way.

I was thinking a lot today… I've been really horrible lately. To stay away from heart-breaks, let's talk about my life and my own attitude. I hate myself for it, I really do. Recently my dear friend Poroner added me again and believe me, that was the very best highlight of the time. I was so happy and of course, seeing his name makes me feel better. I don't know why he added me all of a sudden and I'm not going to question it. I might not like the answer or just don't need to hear it, may it be good or bad.

So, anyway, he added me and he got me thinking on an interesting subject; The Real Me, What Do I Actually Truly Know/Understand, Who am I.

 Confession.

For more than a year, I wasn't myself. I really wasn't and I sort of knew it but, ego was in the way. All of you know Angel and this isn't about her, but after everything that I went thru with her, I just may as well say I was her copy. Why? It's a little indefinable and unexplainable but let's just say, I finally had a full-on mental break down after my ex, Kevin. I had this belief that I believed, unconsciously, that I had to be like her. That her way somehow always turns out good and through time, I lost myself. It became like an ordinary thing. Angel did it? I should too… thing. I didn't realize it at the time but I get why Poroner told me we're actually "the same fucking thing.". It wasn't a good thing.

 That wasn't me. I'm realizing it through little things. I got over the Kaitlyne Cooper thing. It did take me a year and a half but it happened. But In truth… I could've let that go a long time ago if I didn't have a title in my brain called, "No, Angel would be different. Do it differently". It's really difficult to explain it without making it sound like I was just stupid. It's really true anad I'm not just stupid. I'm not complaining as I am stating it out and regretting I didn't realize it earlier. That ego, the "me" ruined Me and My life. 

After I finally let go - Kaitlyne's gone, Angel's gone, Kevin's gone, the forum is gone, no drama, no questions, no trust issues, no pain, no nothing…I came back. 

But the people that have been with me through it have been scared and I made them believe the way I was is the way I am now and the way I used to think is the way I think now. I don't hold grudges. 

I forgive and are willing to forgive easily. I don't give up on something I love, neither do I want to leave it at "Whatever". I am as pathetic as I can be, meaning I am willing to beg and explain myself and justify my actions if that's what it takes. 

Making Mike miserable was not my intention and our break up was my fault from this point of view. I made it worse and I made the wounds even wider. I'm pretty naïve and people that were Once dear to me, will for a very very long time make me have butterflies and flicker flames of hope each time they come up again. I'm mature enough to take responsibility for my actions. I point out if I made a mistake and I don't have much self-confidence but when someone tells me I don't, that's when I most have it.

 My attitude is changing and it's confusing people.

 By people I mean Mike and Houston. I made a mistake. I feel like my life is falling apart because of it. Ever since Mike and I broke up, I feel everything is just going down hill.

 Even if I go up, I can't stay up long enough to assure me happiness.

 One thing will stay from now on though… I can't lose Mike for good. I truly can't. 

When it comes to that, I am as dramatic and pain-full as I can be. 

It just can't happen and the weird thing is, only with him, I can't accept him having another girlfriend and me being there to watch.

 I'm a little possessive about him and I don't know how to change that, because you'd think that if I truly loved him, I would want the best for him whether it be with me or without me. I'm not sure I want to change that actually. (:

 I ruined things with Houston… I remember how amazingly awesome we were before I fucked things up, at least I believe I did. But one thing is for sure, I love them both. No one can tell me I don't, no one can prove I don't. I would do anything for them and honestly? Right now, they're the most important people in my life. I'm thinking of how to get near Houston once more, if anything else, to just leave him a nice letter explaining everything and even if he doesn't come back, because he isn't in that style, just so he can have something to remember me by. 

But It will be okay… I love Houston and I love when he's happy. I know that what I did didn't make him happy at all but I'm going to try and change that.

 Knowing me, I'll do it, I just need a chance. 

He's the one I can watch being happy, with a girlfriend, boyfriend because I know I can't have him for myself 100% ever. He actually has a life. x'P 

I'm not sure where I'm going with this anymore… I really want to hear your guy's opinion. I know you didn't come here for this but I really want to hear what you have to say. Did you understand? Has it ever happened to you? That you change without even knowing and after you've made the consequences you realize the damage? 

Tell me… I won't get angry if you have something negative to say to me, not just about this, anything, as long as you're not being too dramatic about it, like all caps and similar, or start insulting me right away. I'm sure you have some questions while you judge, let me explain, let me answer. Let's have a conversation. :)