Two and a half men, S5E7
Okay, I got this freakishly hard request/dare to play out and write a whole episode of Two and a half men here by my choice, so...Please, the title says it all, what you're practically going to see is a full episode in roles, written down. DON'T CLICK CONTINUE. THIS WILL BE HARD TO DO. BUT I DID IT.
*Alan and Jake come back from the store*
Alan: Don't worry, you'll grow into it.
Jake: Just once I'd like to get close that fit now.
Alan: Eh, quick going through puberty and we'll talk about it.
Jake: Quit being so cheap and we'll talk about it.
Alan: Hey, hey, watch your mouth.
Charlie: Hard to punish him for telling the truth.
Alan: Yeah? Wait till her tries on the underwear I bought him.
*Alan pulls out a bowl*
Charlie: What's that?
Alan: A decorative bowl. I thought it'd be perfect to put our keys in.
Charlie: Yeah, well, I don't like it. Take it back.
Alan: But it was on sale.
Charlie: I don't care if you got it free with a paid subscription to Ugly Bowl Illustrated.
I don't want it on my table.
Alan: Why not?
Charlie: Why not? Look around. It doesn't fit the decor.
Alan: Decor? Y-You call this decor?
Charlie: What would you call it?
Alan: Random Crap-olo.
Deep sea helmet, the-the fake jazz posters. Add and old snow sled and a couple of baseball pennants and you can open up a TGA Fridays.
Charlie: Excuse me, but everything in this house has a story behind it.
Alan: Oh, oh really? Oh, so what's the story behind the-this earn thing?
Charlie: Some girl gave that to me.
Alan: That's it?
Charlie: She spent the weekend.
Alan: Uuh, great story.
Charlie: No, great weekend.
Alan: Ok, Ok uh, w-what about this umbrella stand that has no umbrellas?
Charlie: A girl gave me that too.
Alan: Another great weekend?
Charlie: Not so great, it was raining.
Alan: Alright, why don't you just pretend a girl gave you this bowl?
Charlie: It doesn't work that way. You'd have to wear high heels and give it to me naked and nobody wants that.
Alan: Fine, whatever, I like the bowl.
Charlie: Okay Alan, you're not feeling me. I don't want your bowl on my table.
Alan: So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?
Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this!
Alan: Very funny, you know what I mean.
Charlie: Actually I don't.
The fact is, this house reeks of you and your crap.
Alan: Oh, really, like what?
Charlie: Like this lamp! You bought this lamp, I hate this lamp!
Alan: Then why didn't you just say something when I bought it two years ago?
Charlie: Because I didn't notice it until recently.
...And the couch. You reupholstered the couch and I liked it better the way it was.
Alan: Stained?
Charlie: Hey, everyone of those stains had a story behind it.
Alan: ...Oh ugh.
Charlie: What I'm saying is, you got nothing to complain about. You got your food in my refrigerator, your car in my garage and your stupid flower towels in my guest bathroom!
Alan: Hey, those towels are very pretty! They brighten up the whole room!
Charlie: They're gay and they scream Civil Union!
Alan: Oh they do not!
Charlie: 'We're here, we're quire, dry your hands on us!'.
Alan: Ok, ok, you know what?! You are being ridiculous! When you wanna have a rational conversation, I'll be in my room!
Charlie: It's not your room, it's MY guest room!
Alan: Oh! Well obviously we disagree about my role in this household!
Charlie: We sure do! You think you have one and I don't! *takes the bowl and throws it in Alan's arms and he catches it*
*Alan walks away angry*
Charlie: And get rid of that Welcome mat you put on my porch! No one's welcome here!!
....
*Charlie comes home with a girl*
The girl: Charlie, I'm telling you right now, I'm not gonna sleep with you tonight.
Charlie: Hey, whoah, whoah, where'd that come from?
Buy you a couple of drinks, invite you back to my house and all of a sudden you think I wanna sleep with you?
The girl: Well, you mean you don't?
Charlie: Hey, we just met. Let's talk, get to know each other, if later down the road somethin' happens great, if not, we've each made a new friend.
The girl: That's very sweet.
Charlie: Well my mother raised me to be respectful of women and I've always said- *looks on the coffee table* Son of a bitch!
The girl:...What?
Charlie: That. *points at the bowl filled with candy* That's what.
The girl: Butterscotch candies?
Charlie: In about 30 seconds they're gonna be butterscotch suppositories. *starts walking to Alan's room*
*In Alan's room, door opening*
*Charlie comes in and pours the candy out of the bowl on Alan's head, Alan stares at him*
Alan: So you noticed?
Charlie: Maybe I didn't make myself clear. I don't want this stupid bowl in my living room.
Alan: No, you said you didn't want it on the front table for keys, so I put it on the coffee table for candy.
Charlie: Yeah, well, now it's on your head for a hat. *puts it on Alan's head and leaves*
*in the living room where the girl is sitting on the couch*
Charlie: I'm sorry, I had to set my brother straigh- *Alan storms in*
Alan: I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this! It is a nice bowl!
Charlie: It is a hideous bowl, it makes me nauseous just to look at it.
Alan: Oh you're being ridiculous! Isn't this a nice bowl? *Asks the girl*
The girl: It's okay.
Alan: See! Two against one.
Charlie: Nonono, no there's no voting! You're just a freeloader and she's just some one night stand I picked up in a ba- AA damn!
*girls gets up and heads for the door*
The girl: Goodbye Charlie.
Charlie: Oh come on, don't leave.
The girl: You know what the worst part is? I actually believed the things you said.
Charlie: You're kiddin'?!
*door slam*
Charlie: Thanks, a lot.
Alan: What did I do?
Charlie: You just made me blow a sure thing.
Alan: She didn't look like a sure thing to me.
Charlie: I could've brought her around!
Alan: Ah ok, why don't we just admit it? This isn't about the bowl and this isn't about the girl, this is about my place in this house!
Charlie: N-nonono, it is about the bowl, it is about the girl and you have no place in this house.
Alan: Oh, you really believe that?
Charlie: What do you want from me Alan? I took you in, I took your kid in, all I ask is you don't fill up my home with your junk!
Alan: It's not junk! It's an Indian mosaic dish handcrafted on the island of Macao!
Charlie: Yeah, well, *grabs the bowl out of his hand and throws it into the fireplace*, now it's ruble from the island of Macao.
Alan; *shocked* ....I hope you're happy.
Charlie: Really? I don't think you do.
Alan: Let me tell you something Charlie. You said you took me and my kid into your home, but you didn't. You took us into your house, we made it a home.
Charlie: Is that so?
Alan: Yes, that's so!
Before we got here this was just a big empty space where you just sat around, got drunk and had casual sex with women you don't even care about!There was no love, no family and no meaning.
Charlie: There's a word for that Alan; Utopia!
*Jake walks by*
Jake: I heard something break.
Charlie: And you're just coming out now?
Jake: I was establishing my alibi.
Alan: Go pack your stuff, we're leaving.
Jake; But I have an alibi!
Alan: You're my son, where I go, you go!
Jake: I don't remember that in custody agreement.
*Charlie watching the TV, drinking beer, Alan stands with a bag*
Alan: Ok, we're leaving.
Say goodbye to your uncle Charlie.
Jake: Bye, uncle Charlie.
Charlie: You don't have to go Jake.
Jake: See?
Alan: Get in the car.
Jake: He likes me.
Alan: I'm not bluffing Charlie.
If you're not willing to acknowledge me as an equal member household then, I can't live here anymore.
Charlie: Is that all it'll take to get you to stay?
Alan: Yes
Charlie: Bu-bye!
*In the car*
Jake: So, this is about a bowl?
Alan: No, the bowl is a symbol.
Jake: Of what?
Alan: Of how your uncle Charlie treats us.
Jake: He treats me fine.
Alan: No he doesn't.
Jake: Yeah, he does.
Alan: Okay, I don't wanna talk about this anymore.
Jake: How come when I don't wanna talk about stuff we still have to talk about it?
Alan: Just, be quiet.
...
Jake: So uh, we're going to a hotel?
Alan: We don't need hotels buddy. We're two single guys out on the open road, foot loose and fancy free. The whole world is at our feet.
Jake:...If you're too cheap for a hotel, I call the back seat.
*In front of Evelyn's house, Alan rings the doorbell*
Evelyn: Hello?
Alan: Hi mom.
... *slaps Jake*
Jake: HI grandma...
Evelyn: It's late, what do you want?
Alan: Charlie and I had a fight. Jake and I need a place to sleep.
Jake: Only 'cause he's too cheap to go to a ho- *slap* We need a place to sleep.
Alan: We have nowhere else to go.
Evelyn: Oh wonderful.
Be right there.
... Jake: Are you sure we can't sleep in the car?
*Inside with Evelyns bf Teddy*
Alan: And then he said that I have no place in his house! Can you believe it? My own brother.
Jake: He likes me.
Alan: Hey, when I want your opinion, I'll ask for it. Then I said that if he's not willing to acknowledge me as an equal member of the household, then, I can't live there anymore.
Evelyn: So...This is about a bowl?
Alan: No, Haven't you been listening?
Evelyn: Frankly, no.
Jake: Don't feel bad. I thought it was about a bowl too.
Teddy: So look Alan, I just got back from a long business trip and your mom and I we're about, to *looks at Jake*, catch up.
Jake: Ugh.
Evelyn: Would you like to sleep in your father's car tonight?
Jake: Actually, yes!
Alan: Look, Look, we're sorry for barging in. Jake and I'll just bunk in the guest room.
Jake: I'm really getting of this 'Where I go, you go' stuff.
*they leave*
Teddy: Oh great, now we have to put on clothes for breakfast.
Evelyn: That's the least of our problems.
All our leather gear is in the guest room.
*Back at Charlie's house, Berta coming over*
Berta: Morning.
Charlie: Morning.
Berta: I couldn't help but notice the guys from Goodwill hawling away Alan's Heida bed.
Charlie: Oh yeah, he doesn't live here anymore.
Berta: No kidding?Alan's gone?
Charlie: Yep.
Berta: Wow. So you couldn't think for a second that I might want a Heida bed?
Charlie: Sorry? You want some flower towels?
Berta: Pass.
So what broke you two love birds up?
Charlie: He crossed the line.
Berta: Must've been a big one.
Charlie: Very big.
Berta: Was it money?
Charlie: Worse.
Berta: A woman?
Charlie: Worse.
Berta: What's worse than money and women?
Charlie: He bought an ugly bowl and put it on the front table!
Berta: ...No?
Charlie: Then, when I told him to get rid of it, he filled it with candy and put it on the coffee table.
Berta: Dear god.
What kind of candy?
Charlie: Butterscotch.
Berta: Mmmm.
Charlie: *death look*
Berta: I mean the son of a bitch!
Charlie: Are you making fun of me?
Berta: I'm trying.
Charlie: So what, you think I should just let him put a candy dish wherever he wants?
Berta: No, you're right. He obviously had to go. He's an ungrateful parasite who overstepped his boundaries.
Charlie: Exactly.
Berta: While you on the other hand are a completely reasonable man with no control issues whatsoever.
Charlie: I don't pay you to mock me.
Berta: Charlie, you'd have to pay me not to.
*At evelyns house, eating breakfast*
Jake: Fruit? That's all you've got, fruit?
Evelyn; Don't you ever have fruit for breakfast?
Jake: Yeah, Franken berries.
Evelyn: Oh, well, I'm sorry sweetheart. If I knew you were coming I would've stocked up on crap.
Jake: Well, maybe we can go crap shopping later.
Evelyn: *noods*
Teddy: So uhm, what's the plan? You're gonna patch things up with your brother and uh, go home?
Alan: Not until he apologizes.
*Teddy and Evelyn sign in despair*
Oh sweet lord, oh jesus.
Alan: Don't worry, I'll find my own place.
This will only be a few days, tops.
Jake: Yeah right, That's what you told uncle Charlie when we moved there.
Alan: Hey, if you remember, when Judith and I broke up, you were begging me to live here.
Evelyn: Yes, well I didn't have a boyfriend then. And Jake was still cute.
Teddy: Alan, can we have a little man to man?
*gets up from the table*
Alan: Sure. *gets up as well and follows*
Jake: I"m just going through an awkward stage.
Evelyn: You hope.
*In the other room*
Teddy: Now, I know how you feel. I had an older brother too.
Alan: Really?
Teddy: Yeap. Scotti.
I worshiped him, but ever since I can remember he did everything he could to make my life miserable.
Alan: That's my life with Charlie.
Teddy: No kidding? Then maybe my experience can help you.
When my parents died Scotti took me in. It was just the two of us. And then one day, I got so angry with the way he was treating me I walked out. I haven't seen him or talked to him in I don't know, maybe, 35 years.
Alan: Wow...
Teddy: Yeah. I don't know where he lives, I don't know whether he's alive or dead. All I do know is he's the only family I have left in the world and despite all the bad stuff I want him back in my life. But it's too late for me.
Alan: I'm not going back to Charlie's unless he apologizes.
Teddy: Yeah, that's what I said about my brother Arty.
Alan: I thought his name was Scotti.
Teddy: ... I had two brothers.
*Back at Charlie's, hes wandering around Alan's room when Berta stands and looks*
Berta: What are you doing?
Charlie: Just, looking.
Berta: You miss him don't you?
Charlie: No, I'm trying to figure out if there's room for a pool table.
*Back downstairs, the door bell rings*
Charlie: Oh hay, Teddy.
Teddy: Charlie, you got a minute?
Charlie: Sure, I guess. Come on in.
Teddy: Thanks.
Berta: Hey, what about air hockey and a wet barn- Hello...
Teddy: How are ya?
Berta: Better now.
Charlie..?
Charlie: What?
Berta: Introduce us you pork head.
Charlie: Oh sorry, Berta this is my mom's boyfriend Teddy, Teddy my housekeeper, Berta.
Teddy: Pleasure.
Berta: It could be if you played our cards right.
*Berta smiles and walks away*
Teddy: wow...
Charlie: You'll be fine. Just don't wander in the laundry room without back up.
Teddy: Listen, I got a situation here with your brother-
Charlie: I'm sorry Teddy, he cannot come back until he apologizes.
Teddy: I understand but the thi-
Charlie: Did he tell you about the bowl?!
Teddy: Repeatedly. *sits Charlie down*
I know what you're going through. I had a younger brother too.
Charlie: Really?
Teddy: Yeah, Scotti.
He was a sponge who lived off me for years and never showed any appreciation.
Charlie: That's my life with Alan.
Teddy: No kidding? Then maybe my experience can help you.
When my parents died I took Scotti in...
*Back at Evelyn's with Jake, she's showing him Alan's high school year book*
Evelyn: There's your father when he was going through his awkward stage.
Jake: He looks exactly the same.
Evelyn: Which is why we can't count on you growing out of it.
..Here's your uncle Charlie in front of the Beverly Hills court house when he was about seventeen.
Jake: What's he looks so happy about?
Evelyn: He was tried as a minor.
*Alan walks in the room*
Here's one of grand-mommy on her cruise to Mazaltan.
Jake: Who's that lady with her arm around you?
Evelyn: Well, darling, after your grandfather passed away, grand-mommy wanted to explore her sexuality-
Alan: Mom! mom!
What are you doing, he's only 13.
Evelyn: Oh please! When I was 13 I was in all girls boarding school and we were quite familiar-
Alan: Mom!
*Teddy enters the house*
Teddy: Hey...
Evelyn: So?
Teddy: No luck.
Evelyn: Damn.
Alan: What's wrong?
Evelyn: Uh, everything's fine darling.
*talks to Teddy* Why don't we talk in the other room?
Alan: Last time I heard that I ended up in Bible camp.
..
Jake: They sound angry.
Alan: Yeah.
Jake: What do you think they're arguing about?
Alan: I-I don't know.
Jake: Maybe Teddy found out grandma's part lesbian.
*At Charlie's the door bell rings*
Evelyn: Teddy and I had a fight... *holding six bags*
*At Evelyn's*
Charlie: Anyway, I'm sorry.
I love you, I miss you and I want you to come back.
Alan: What if I wanna put a bowl on the coffee table? (NEXT TIME IT GOES IN YOUR MOUTH!)
Charlie: ... Nothing would make me happier!
Evelyn: As soon as they leave I'm tearing off your clothes with my teeth.
Teddy: Terrific.
*Back at Charlie's, Alan and him drinking bear*
Alan: You know what? I like this bowl even better than the other one.
Charlie: Good.
Alan: Wasn't even on sail.
Charlie: No kidding.
Alan: Yep. Paid full retail. $14,99.
Anyway, I'm gonna go unpack.
Charlie: need some help?
Alan: No, I'm fine.
Hey Charlie...
Charlie: Yeah?
Alan: From the bottom of my heart, thank you for being the bigger man here.
Charlie: Don't mention it. :)
Alan: *sings while taking his suitcases to his room*
Our house is a very very very very fine house with two cats in the yard.
Life used to be so haard, now everything is easy- *switches the light back on*
*Game-poker room*...
Charlie: My house, in the middle of My street. My house.
Mmm... Butterscotch.
*Alan and Jake come back from the store*
Alan: Don't worry, you'll grow into it.
Jake: Just once I'd like to get close that fit now.
Alan: Eh, quick going through puberty and we'll talk about it.
Jake: Quit being so cheap and we'll talk about it.
Alan: Hey, hey, watch your mouth.
Charlie: Hard to punish him for telling the truth.
Alan: Yeah? Wait till her tries on the underwear I bought him.
*Alan pulls out a bowl*
Charlie: What's that?
Alan: A decorative bowl. I thought it'd be perfect to put our keys in.
Charlie: Yeah, well, I don't like it. Take it back.
Alan: But it was on sale.
Charlie: I don't care if you got it free with a paid subscription to Ugly Bowl Illustrated.
I don't want it on my table.
Alan: Why not?
Charlie: Why not? Look around. It doesn't fit the decor.
Alan: Decor? Y-You call this decor?
Charlie: What would you call it?
Alan: Random Crap-olo.
Deep sea helmet, the-the fake jazz posters. Add and old snow sled and a couple of baseball pennants and you can open up a TGA Fridays.
Charlie: Excuse me, but everything in this house has a story behind it.
Alan: Oh, oh really? Oh, so what's the story behind the-this earn thing?
Charlie: Some girl gave that to me.
Alan: That's it?
Charlie: She spent the weekend.
Alan: Uuh, great story.
Charlie: No, great weekend.
Alan: Ok, Ok uh, w-what about this umbrella stand that has no umbrellas?
Charlie: A girl gave me that too.
Alan: Another great weekend?
Charlie: Not so great, it was raining.
Alan: Alright, why don't you just pretend a girl gave you this bowl?
Charlie: It doesn't work that way. You'd have to wear high heels and give it to me naked and nobody wants that.
Alan: Fine, whatever, I like the bowl.
Charlie: Okay Alan, you're not feeling me. I don't want your bowl on my table.
Alan: So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?
Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this!
Alan: Very funny, you know what I mean.
Charlie: Actually I don't.
The fact is, this house reeks of you and your crap.
Alan: Oh, really, like what?
Charlie: Like this lamp! You bought this lamp, I hate this lamp!
Alan: Then why didn't you just say something when I bought it two years ago?
Charlie: Because I didn't notice it until recently.
...And the couch. You reupholstered the couch and I liked it better the way it was.
Alan: Stained?
Charlie: Hey, everyone of those stains had a story behind it.
Alan: ...Oh ugh.
Charlie: What I'm saying is, you got nothing to complain about. You got your food in my refrigerator, your car in my garage and your stupid flower towels in my guest bathroom!
Alan: Hey, those towels are very pretty! They brighten up the whole room!
Charlie: They're gay and they scream Civil Union!
Alan: Oh they do not!
Charlie: 'We're here, we're quire, dry your hands on us!'.
Alan: Ok, ok, you know what?! You are being ridiculous! When you wanna have a rational conversation, I'll be in my room!
Charlie: It's not your room, it's MY guest room!
Alan: Oh! Well obviously we disagree about my role in this household!
Charlie: We sure do! You think you have one and I don't! *takes the bowl and throws it in Alan's arms and he catches it*
*Alan walks away angry*
Charlie: And get rid of that Welcome mat you put on my porch! No one's welcome here!!
....
*Charlie comes home with a girl*
The girl: Charlie, I'm telling you right now, I'm not gonna sleep with you tonight.
Charlie: Hey, whoah, whoah, where'd that come from?
Buy you a couple of drinks, invite you back to my house and all of a sudden you think I wanna sleep with you?
The girl: Well, you mean you don't?
Charlie: Hey, we just met. Let's talk, get to know each other, if later down the road somethin' happens great, if not, we've each made a new friend.
The girl: That's very sweet.
Charlie: Well my mother raised me to be respectful of women and I've always said- *looks on the coffee table* Son of a bitch!
The girl:...What?
Charlie: That. *points at the bowl filled with candy* That's what.
The girl: Butterscotch candies?
Charlie: In about 30 seconds they're gonna be butterscotch suppositories. *starts walking to Alan's room*
*In Alan's room, door opening*
*Charlie comes in and pours the candy out of the bowl on Alan's head, Alan stares at him*
Alan: So you noticed?
Charlie: Maybe I didn't make myself clear. I don't want this stupid bowl in my living room.
Alan: No, you said you didn't want it on the front table for keys, so I put it on the coffee table for candy.
Charlie: Yeah, well, now it's on your head for a hat. *puts it on Alan's head and leaves*
*in the living room where the girl is sitting on the couch*
Charlie: I'm sorry, I had to set my brother straigh- *Alan storms in*
Alan: I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this! It is a nice bowl!
Charlie: It is a hideous bowl, it makes me nauseous just to look at it.
Alan: Oh you're being ridiculous! Isn't this a nice bowl? *Asks the girl*
The girl: It's okay.
Alan: See! Two against one.
Charlie: Nonono, no there's no voting! You're just a freeloader and she's just some one night stand I picked up in a ba- AA damn!
*girls gets up and heads for the door*
The girl: Goodbye Charlie.
Charlie: Oh come on, don't leave.
The girl: You know what the worst part is? I actually believed the things you said.
Charlie: You're kiddin'?!
*door slam*
Charlie: Thanks, a lot.
Alan: What did I do?
Charlie: You just made me blow a sure thing.
Alan: She didn't look like a sure thing to me.
Charlie: I could've brought her around!
Alan: Ah ok, why don't we just admit it? This isn't about the bowl and this isn't about the girl, this is about my place in this house!
Charlie: N-nonono, it is about the bowl, it is about the girl and you have no place in this house.
Alan: Oh, you really believe that?
Charlie: What do you want from me Alan? I took you in, I took your kid in, all I ask is you don't fill up my home with your junk!
Alan: It's not junk! It's an Indian mosaic dish handcrafted on the island of Macao!
Charlie: Yeah, well, *grabs the bowl out of his hand and throws it into the fireplace*, now it's ruble from the island of Macao.
Alan; *shocked* ....I hope you're happy.
Charlie: Really? I don't think you do.
Alan: Let me tell you something Charlie. You said you took me and my kid into your home, but you didn't. You took us into your house, we made it a home.
Charlie: Is that so?
Alan: Yes, that's so!
Before we got here this was just a big empty space where you just sat around, got drunk and had casual sex with women you don't even care about!There was no love, no family and no meaning.
Charlie: There's a word for that Alan; Utopia!
*Jake walks by*
Jake: I heard something break.
Charlie: And you're just coming out now?
Jake: I was establishing my alibi.
Alan: Go pack your stuff, we're leaving.
Jake; But I have an alibi!
Alan: You're my son, where I go, you go!
Jake: I don't remember that in custody agreement.
*Charlie watching the TV, drinking beer, Alan stands with a bag*
Alan: Ok, we're leaving.
Say goodbye to your uncle Charlie.
Jake: Bye, uncle Charlie.
Charlie: You don't have to go Jake.
Jake: See?
Alan: Get in the car.
Jake: He likes me.
Alan: I'm not bluffing Charlie.
If you're not willing to acknowledge me as an equal member household then, I can't live here anymore.
Charlie: Is that all it'll take to get you to stay?
Alan: Yes
Charlie: Bu-bye!
*In the car*
Jake: So, this is about a bowl?
Alan: No, the bowl is a symbol.
Jake: Of what?
Alan: Of how your uncle Charlie treats us.
Jake: He treats me fine.
Alan: No he doesn't.
Jake: Yeah, he does.
Alan: Okay, I don't wanna talk about this anymore.
Jake: How come when I don't wanna talk about stuff we still have to talk about it?
Alan: Just, be quiet.
...
Jake: So uh, we're going to a hotel?
Alan: We don't need hotels buddy. We're two single guys out on the open road, foot loose and fancy free. The whole world is at our feet.
Jake:...If you're too cheap for a hotel, I call the back seat.
*In front of Evelyn's house, Alan rings the doorbell*
Evelyn: Hello?
Alan: Hi mom.
... *slaps Jake*
Jake: HI grandma...
Evelyn: It's late, what do you want?
Alan: Charlie and I had a fight. Jake and I need a place to sleep.
Jake: Only 'cause he's too cheap to go to a ho- *slap* We need a place to sleep.
Alan: We have nowhere else to go.
Evelyn: Oh wonderful.
Be right there.
... Jake: Are you sure we can't sleep in the car?
*Inside with Evelyns bf Teddy*
Alan: And then he said that I have no place in his house! Can you believe it? My own brother.
Jake: He likes me.
Alan: Hey, when I want your opinion, I'll ask for it. Then I said that if he's not willing to acknowledge me as an equal member of the household, then, I can't live there anymore.
Evelyn: So...This is about a bowl?
Alan: No, Haven't you been listening?
Evelyn: Frankly, no.
Jake: Don't feel bad. I thought it was about a bowl too.
Teddy: So look Alan, I just got back from a long business trip and your mom and I we're about, to *looks at Jake*, catch up.
Jake: Ugh.
Evelyn: Would you like to sleep in your father's car tonight?
Jake: Actually, yes!
Alan: Look, Look, we're sorry for barging in. Jake and I'll just bunk in the guest room.
Jake: I'm really getting of this 'Where I go, you go' stuff.
*they leave*
Teddy: Oh great, now we have to put on clothes for breakfast.
Evelyn: That's the least of our problems.
All our leather gear is in the guest room.
*Back at Charlie's house, Berta coming over*
Berta: Morning.
Charlie: Morning.
Berta: I couldn't help but notice the guys from Goodwill hawling away Alan's Heida bed.
Charlie: Oh yeah, he doesn't live here anymore.
Berta: No kidding?Alan's gone?
Charlie: Yep.
Berta: Wow. So you couldn't think for a second that I might want a Heida bed?
Charlie: Sorry? You want some flower towels?
Berta: Pass.
So what broke you two love birds up?
Charlie: He crossed the line.
Berta: Must've been a big one.
Charlie: Very big.
Berta: Was it money?
Charlie: Worse.
Berta: A woman?
Charlie: Worse.
Berta: What's worse than money and women?
Charlie: He bought an ugly bowl and put it on the front table!
Berta: ...No?
Charlie: Then, when I told him to get rid of it, he filled it with candy and put it on the coffee table.
Berta: Dear god.
What kind of candy?
Charlie: Butterscotch.
Berta: Mmmm.
Charlie: *death look*
Berta: I mean the son of a bitch!
Charlie: Are you making fun of me?
Berta: I'm trying.
Charlie: So what, you think I should just let him put a candy dish wherever he wants?
Berta: No, you're right. He obviously had to go. He's an ungrateful parasite who overstepped his boundaries.
Charlie: Exactly.
Berta: While you on the other hand are a completely reasonable man with no control issues whatsoever.
Charlie: I don't pay you to mock me.
Berta: Charlie, you'd have to pay me not to.
*At evelyns house, eating breakfast*
Jake: Fruit? That's all you've got, fruit?
Evelyn; Don't you ever have fruit for breakfast?
Jake: Yeah, Franken berries.
Evelyn: Oh, well, I'm sorry sweetheart. If I knew you were coming I would've stocked up on crap.
Jake: Well, maybe we can go crap shopping later.
Evelyn: *noods*
Teddy: So uhm, what's the plan? You're gonna patch things up with your brother and uh, go home?
Alan: Not until he apologizes.
*Teddy and Evelyn sign in despair*
Oh sweet lord, oh jesus.
Alan: Don't worry, I'll find my own place.
This will only be a few days, tops.
Jake: Yeah right, That's what you told uncle Charlie when we moved there.
Alan: Hey, if you remember, when Judith and I broke up, you were begging me to live here.
Evelyn: Yes, well I didn't have a boyfriend then. And Jake was still cute.
Teddy: Alan, can we have a little man to man?
*gets up from the table*
Alan: Sure. *gets up as well and follows*
Jake: I"m just going through an awkward stage.
Evelyn: You hope.
*In the other room*
Teddy: Now, I know how you feel. I had an older brother too.
Alan: Really?
Teddy: Yeap. Scotti.
I worshiped him, but ever since I can remember he did everything he could to make my life miserable.
Alan: That's my life with Charlie.
Teddy: No kidding? Then maybe my experience can help you.
When my parents died Scotti took me in. It was just the two of us. And then one day, I got so angry with the way he was treating me I walked out. I haven't seen him or talked to him in I don't know, maybe, 35 years.
Alan: Wow...
Teddy: Yeah. I don't know where he lives, I don't know whether he's alive or dead. All I do know is he's the only family I have left in the world and despite all the bad stuff I want him back in my life. But it's too late for me.
Alan: I'm not going back to Charlie's unless he apologizes.
Teddy: Yeah, that's what I said about my brother Arty.
Alan: I thought his name was Scotti.
Teddy: ... I had two brothers.
*Back at Charlie's, hes wandering around Alan's room when Berta stands and looks*
Berta: What are you doing?
Charlie: Just, looking.
Berta: You miss him don't you?
Charlie: No, I'm trying to figure out if there's room for a pool table.
*Back downstairs, the door bell rings*
Charlie: Oh hay, Teddy.
Teddy: Charlie, you got a minute?
Charlie: Sure, I guess. Come on in.
Teddy: Thanks.
Berta: Hey, what about air hockey and a wet barn- Hello...
Teddy: How are ya?
Berta: Better now.
Charlie..?
Charlie: What?
Berta: Introduce us you pork head.
Charlie: Oh sorry, Berta this is my mom's boyfriend Teddy, Teddy my housekeeper, Berta.
Teddy: Pleasure.
Berta: It could be if you played our cards right.
*Berta smiles and walks away*
Teddy: wow...
Charlie: You'll be fine. Just don't wander in the laundry room without back up.
Teddy: Listen, I got a situation here with your brother-
Charlie: I'm sorry Teddy, he cannot come back until he apologizes.
Teddy: I understand but the thi-
Charlie: Did he tell you about the bowl?!
Teddy: Repeatedly. *sits Charlie down*
I know what you're going through. I had a younger brother too.
Charlie: Really?
Teddy: Yeah, Scotti.
He was a sponge who lived off me for years and never showed any appreciation.
Charlie: That's my life with Alan.
Teddy: No kidding? Then maybe my experience can help you.
When my parents died I took Scotti in...
*Back at Evelyn's with Jake, she's showing him Alan's high school year book*
Evelyn: There's your father when he was going through his awkward stage.
Jake: He looks exactly the same.
Evelyn: Which is why we can't count on you growing out of it.
..Here's your uncle Charlie in front of the Beverly Hills court house when he was about seventeen.
Jake: What's he looks so happy about?
Evelyn: He was tried as a minor.
*Alan walks in the room*
Here's one of grand-mommy on her cruise to Mazaltan.
Jake: Who's that lady with her arm around you?
Evelyn: Well, darling, after your grandfather passed away, grand-mommy wanted to explore her sexuality-
Alan: Mom! mom!
What are you doing, he's only 13.
Evelyn: Oh please! When I was 13 I was in all girls boarding school and we were quite familiar-
Alan: Mom!
*Teddy enters the house*
Teddy: Hey...
Evelyn: So?
Teddy: No luck.
Evelyn: Damn.
Alan: What's wrong?
Evelyn: Uh, everything's fine darling.
*talks to Teddy* Why don't we talk in the other room?
Alan: Last time I heard that I ended up in Bible camp.
..
Jake: They sound angry.
Alan: Yeah.
Jake: What do you think they're arguing about?
Alan: I-I don't know.
Jake: Maybe Teddy found out grandma's part lesbian.
*At Charlie's the door bell rings*
Evelyn: Teddy and I had a fight... *holding six bags*
*At Evelyn's*
Charlie: Anyway, I'm sorry.
I love you, I miss you and I want you to come back.
Alan: What if I wanna put a bowl on the coffee table? (NEXT TIME IT GOES IN YOUR MOUTH!)
Charlie: ... Nothing would make me happier!
Evelyn: As soon as they leave I'm tearing off your clothes with my teeth.
Teddy: Terrific.
*Back at Charlie's, Alan and him drinking bear*
Alan: You know what? I like this bowl even better than the other one.
Charlie: Good.
Alan: Wasn't even on sail.
Charlie: No kidding.
Alan: Yep. Paid full retail. $14,99.
Anyway, I'm gonna go unpack.
Charlie: need some help?
Alan: No, I'm fine.
Hey Charlie...
Charlie: Yeah?
Alan: From the bottom of my heart, thank you for being the bigger man here.
Charlie: Don't mention it. :)
Alan: *sings while taking his suitcases to his room*
Our house is a very very very very fine house with two cats in the yard.
Life used to be so haard, now everything is easy- *switches the light back on*
*Game-poker room*...
Charlie: My house, in the middle of My street. My house.
Mmm... Butterscotch.
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